It's been a while since I stared at the stars
by QuiteRightPond
Summary: A lot can happen in 5 years. People change, motives change, their wants and their needs change. It's all one big change. Sometimes the only things that remain constant are someone's feelings. This is a Smillan fanfic lol.


"_For I do believe that everyone;  
has one chance to fuck up their lives."_

Karen Gillan stood on the red carpet. She was back in England for the first time in 5 years. Everyone knew who she was now. It was normal for her to be stopped on the street and asked for an autograph. And Karen loved it. She loved every minute of it. There were times that she didn't. Times like now when she had to fake a smile even though on the inside she was dying.

Everyone knew the story of Karen Gillan and one of her co-stars. The reason she made the move from England to America permanent. If you didn't know, you had been living under a rock for the past 5 years.

5 years ago, Karen Gillan was engaged to Matthew Smith, the 12th Doctor on _Doctor Who_. 5 years ago, Karen ran away from him, leaving him at the altar. Everyone thought it was because she was cheating on him. But in truth, she was scared. She had always been scared around Matt. Not because she was scared _of_ him, but rather, the way he made her feel when she was _with_ him. She was young, just barely turned 26, and she wasn't ready to grow up that much yet.

She's 31 now.

…

"_Karen," his voice said softly over the phone. He had been crying, she could tell. She could always tell. "Karen please, pick up, I'm not angry, I promise, I just want you to explain. Please, I lo–" She stopped the recording before it could go any further. She knew that if she heard those three words she would go back. But she couldn't. Not now._

…

She arrived late at the hotel, but it was still early. She had left the after party for her new movie early, not wanting to stay around and chat idly to everyone.

She hopped off the lift, pulling her key card out of her hand and looking up. She almost jumped back into a potted plant. Almost.

"Karen." He said, his voice still the same, and his ridiculous accent.

Karen hated that accent. She hated how amazing it made her name sound, especially when he breathed it across her neck.

Those thoughts had to go.

"Matthew." She acknowledged him and stepped around him and swiped her key card.

She stepped inside her room, Matt hesitating. She wondered why for the briefest of moments and then remembered the heartbreaking messages he sent her after she ran away.

"Would you like to come in?" Karen asked, somewhat awkwardly, missing the way they used to be, the way that he used to burst into her room with no sense of whether it was appropriate to do so or not.

"Okay," he said, staring at his feet, just as awkwardly.

Karen walked further into her room and chucked her purse on the couch. She grabbed a glass of water and listened to the click of the door as it closed and locked. Suddenly Matt was right behind her.

"Karen," he said, the pain in his voice making Karen grip the sink. This was exactly what she wanted to avoid. "_Why_?" He asked, and he had every reason to.

She didn't turn around.

Sometimes there were some things that you couldn't say to someone's face.

This was one of them.

"Because I was scared." She admitted truthfully, knowing full well that it was impossible for her to lie to Matt.

"Of me?" He said.

"Of the way you make me feel." She took a deep breath in. There was one other reason, one that she had never told anybody. One that even she didn't want to think about, simply because of the pain it brought her.

"Kaz," his voice was soft and she heard him take a step closer. Even without looking she could tell he was close to tears. "I would have waited."

"I know." Her breath came out shaky. She knew that she needed to tell him the whole truth, to get it out there. She knew that she needed to tell him that she couldn't stay in England, not with all of the memories and almost possibilities it made her think of.

"Then why, Kaz?" He asked again, a hand on her shoulder.

"Because I lost our baby."

He took a deep breath in, she heard it. She heard the pain and the loss that he didn't even know he could feel, in that sharp intake of breath. He didn't even know she was pregnant.

Before she knew it, she was in his arms and he was holding her as she cried. He whispered sweet promises into her hair, and it was almost like nothing had changed.

…

"_Karen, please, pick up the phone." He was angry now, but Karen was almost at the airport, she wasn't going to stop now. "Karen, you shouldn't run away, we need to talk about this, please Karen, don't do this to us, to _me_." She felt hot tears running down her face. The cab driver looked at her, a little concerned. This time she stopped the voicemail before he even had time to think the words "I love you"._

…

Karen woke up the next morning to sunlight streaming in from her floor to ceiling windows. She was happier than she had ever thought possible. She looked over at Matt's sleeping form next to her and smiled.

She got up and wrapped a dressing gown around herself. She looked at herself in the mirror in the bathroom. She put her hair up and quickly got dressed. She wrote Matt a quick note, saying she was going to get coffee and that she'd be right back. She left it on her side of the bed, knowing he'd wake up and find it, or she'll be back before he woke up.

She ducked out of her room and went down the street to a café she knew. Grabbing two coffees and walking back, she didn't even see the car before it hit her.

…

"_Karen, please, was it something I did? I'm sorry. Please come back. I love you."_

_This time she didn't stop the voice mail._

…

Her death was all over the news. "Famous actress dies". People around the world dressed in black for her funeral, even if they didn't attend. A picture of her sat on top of her deep red coffin.

It was a closed casket ceremony.

Matt got up to talk, and everyone around the world fell silent. This was a deep grief. He had lost his best friend, his soul mate. No one dared to even breathe.

…

Once upon a time, Karen liked to believe that everything happened for a reason. She took the opportunity to work on Doctor Who where she would meet Matt Smith, her future entwined with his from that very moment. Weaving in and out and not touching until the end.

As she was laying on the cold asphalt and people crowded around her and coffee mixed with a pool of her blood, she thought back to the days she believed anything was possible. The days she spent running around on a set, playing make-believe for a living.

She thought back to the first day that Matt kissed her, for real, and not for the camera. The first time he told her that he loved her. The first time they made love. The day he asked her to marry him.

She realised that one doesn't see their entire lives flash before their eyes as they died. Instead they saw the moment that made their lives.


End file.
